A recent survey indicated that 88% of the parents polled used spanking as a form of discipline for their children. The reasons adults use spanking to control children's behavior are as varied as the adults involved.
Some use spanking as their preferred form discipline.
Others use it sparingly only when a child's safety is in danger.
Still others use it as a last resort when nothing else works and others because it makes them feel better when children make them angry.
These adults get some satisfaction by seeing the child as unhappy as they are.
Adults who prefer spanking over other forms of discipline are being the least helpful to the developing child. Spanking is the punishment the child gets if caught.
The best way to teach children proper behavior is to catch them doing it right and reinforce that behavior.
It does not help the child change or alter his behavior although it might help him become ingenious about finding ways not to be caught. Lying is one of these ways.
This type of discipline also destroys the relationship of trust between adult and child. They become adversaries rather then confidants. Children need to view adults as resources they can go to when they are in trouble and have confidence that they will help them.
The purpose of discipline is for children to understand the difference between right and wrong and act accordingly whether there is an adult watching or not.
The role of the adults is to teach the rules of conduct and help children learn how to apply them.
Spanking a child lets him know that he has displeased the adult in some way but it does not give him much more useful information.
Spanking is also a negative act.
We are always catching children doing wrong.
We rarely catch them being right. For some children the only way they can get an adult's attention is by doing something wrong. Being ignored is sometimes worse than being abused.
The best way to teach children proper behavior is to catch them doing it right and reinforce that behavior.
Saying, "Johnny, I liked the way you put your toy back in the box, that was very helpful, thank you." is a much better approach than spanking Johnny the next time he leaves the toy in the middle of the room for somebody to trip over.
If Johnny does leave the toy, a good approach is to take him through the proper steps for putting the toy away rather than spanking him.
When young children are spanked often, they sometimes do not know why they are being spanked and therefore cannot change their behavior. In extreme cases they can begin to think of themselves as bad and not worthy of love.
The greatest danger for people who use spanking as their preferred form of discipline is that it can escalate.
As the child gets older, a small spanking is usually not sufficient to get the message across especially if the child has not learned alternate ways of behaving.
Also the more you spank, the madder you get and you can eventually cross the line to child abuse.
Remember, an adversary relationship exacerbated by spanking, and protracted over a long period of time, must eventually result in failure for the adult. As the child gets older, taller, and sometimes stronger than the adult, spanking is no longer possible.
Adults who have used this method of discipline now have no control over the child.
It is best not to rely on spanking in the first place.
I encourage all adults, who have children in their care, to raise them by modeling appropriate behavior so that they learn how to to discipline themselves and do need to be policed and punished in order to behave responsibly.
That is our job. We are the adults and should act like adults and not like children.
First published in 1988
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